16-Sep-2005

I was out to dinner with my neighbor The Pony last week, and for some reason the conversation we had seems to be sticking in my brain.  The Pony, for some reason completely unfathomable to me, is single, and he has no qualms about pointing out the shortcomings of the fairer sex.  Here's how it went down:

Me:  So what stereotypes about women are true?

The Pony:  You don't want someone who's going to treat you well, you're always looking over your shoulder for something better--

Here he trails off.

Me:  What?

But he doesn't answer.  He's watching the hot blonde waitress bend over to pick up some fallen edamame.  The Pony adores blondes.

In response to his rant, which I, sadly, do find true in most of my tribe, I have decided to compile a list of what I love about men.  So this one's for you, Pony.

1.)  You don't force me to talk.  If I want to sit and stare out the window for hours at a time (which I find myself doing more and more the longer I live in L.A. - the smog, in an impenetrable alliance with Coffee Bean's Cafe Vanilla, has gradually sucked away a great deal of my brain cells), you're not going to bother me with questions like "What are you thinking?," "Do I look fat?," or "Is there something you need to tell me?"  No!  I'm a lazy bum, that's all, now let me be numb for a few fucking minutes, please!

2.)  Along the same lines, you hate talking on the phone.  So do I!  See my previous entry, wherein I discuss my fear that whomever I'm talking to is secretly stabbing their voodoo doll of me as I fumble to ask them what they're doing tonight. 

3.)  You don't scheme.  I used to be a big schemer with a precise plan for how to go after a guy.  I know, I know, this is crazy, but it's something to talk about with your girlfriends while you're painting each other's toenails and eating Rocky Road.  With my 24th birthday and one psychotic ex-boyfriend, I ceased the scheming and took up a perspective I credit to my male counterparts.  If we want to see each other, we'll see each other.  If not, I'm still hot.  All is well. 

4.)  You like to drive.  Good.  See Number One, where I admit I like to stare out the window.  Not good to do while driving, especially when driving with a guy, who will inevitably comment that I drive like a girl.

5.)  You think I'm Julia Fucking Child if I whip up a batch of Duncan Hines brownies.  Except I'm shorter.  And, I'd like to think, easier on the eyes.  This does not apply to the guy who dumped me right after I made him dinner.  But nice move.  I couldn't have done that to someone with a straight face.

6.)  If I have too much to drink at dinner and find myself, once home, tossing my cookies when we're supposed to be having some quality alone time, you will wait patiently outside the door and, once I'm finished, will still try to make out with me!  You are awesome! 

7.)  You are expected to make the first move, and in most cases, you do.  And I never know when you're about to, because I'm a ditz about these things.  You can whisper sweet nothings in my ear all night long, but until you try to stick your tongue down my throat, I will assume you find me as attractive as... Julia Child.  So thank you for having balls.  I don't.

In short, to all the guys in my life, you rock.