22-Nov-2005

Since everyone and their dog is posting about Harry Potter, I feel the need to throw my hat in the ring.  Not about the film's actual merits (or lack thereof), but a more general discussion of movie theater etiquette.  Because, due to Sociology's annoying friend Likes to Yap During the Movies, I barely remember anything about said film.  Except the fact that Ronald is gonna be a legal hottie in about a year.  Until then, I shall make due with anyone from 18-22.  I need to practice with the younguns.

Here are some general rules that, if you're going to see a movie with me, you should follow to the letter:

1.)  If you purchase popcorn, ask for butter in the middle.  Otherwise, I will consider your intelligence sub-par, to say the least.

2.)  If you purchase popcorn, include an order of Reese's Pieces.  The combination is a delightful State Fair in your mouth.  Sans the ferris wheel and inbred carnies, of course.

3.)  Feel free to speak to me during the commercials.  We can chat politics, movie stars, hell, even the weather.  However, when those lights dim and that green screen with the trailer rating appears, shut your godawfully annoying trap.  Otherwise, I will long for that buttered popcorn to lodge in your throat and saturate your arteries with cholesterol.

4.)  Do not, under any circumstances, speak to me once the movie has started.  I don't care if you're choking on popcorn, your arteries are clogged, or some line of dialogue has triggered the memory of your first pet Sparky and the day you had to send him to Doggie Heaven.  Shut.  Up. 

5.)  In the same vein, don't ask me questions.  Examples:  The Sixth Sense... Wait, so, is Bruce Willis like, dead?  Armageddon... Wait, so, is Bruce Willis like, dead?  You get the picture.

6.)  And this is perhaps the most important.  I know some of you consider movie watching a bonding experience with your friends.  In horror flicks, you will grab each other's arms and squeal; in comedies, you'll share a look chock full of laughter.  Don't try that shit with me.  I consider movie watching a personal experience.  I can't stand when the person sitting next to me looks over at me during a funny/scary/disturbing part, wanting me to share their reaction.  Nope.  Sorry.  Not gonna happen.  But if you want to bond with me, there are other ways.  Wink, wink.  Wait.  What?