10-Oct-2006
Ah, yes, the moment you've all been waiting for. Question day is upon us. So, without further ado, here I go:
Ok, my favorite part? Your reference to how a good movie-watching partner does NOT look over at you during every single funny/sad/touching/nose-picking moment in the movie! This is a definite pet peeve of mine------is it another faction of our only-child-syndrome???
--Farrah
The short answer to this question is yes, it is another faction of our Only Child Syndrome. But when have I ever given a short answer, Farrah? For those of you who are not familiar with Only Child Syndrome, it is a disease that affects only children (duh), and symptoms include the following: needing to be the center of attention, yet shirking the spotlight in a way that is both charming and passive aggressive; being incapable of establishing healthy relationships except in the rarest of cases; returning home from your first year of college only to discover that your parents have forgotten to stock your bathroom with toilet paper, then having a hysterical crying fit because clearly your existence has ceased to matter; insisting your mother peel your grapes before you even consider eating them; and, of course, not wanting to share an emotional reaction with someone else in a movie theatre because this is YOUR MOVIE, goddamnit, made for you, to be judged by you. Because YOU are all that matters. And Sam Mendes knows it.
I've got a question for you: how do hawks mate? Don't know the answer? Find it for inquiring minds who MUST know...ready...go!
--Cliffhanger
Let me just preface this answer by saying that Cliffhanger and I had this figured out yesterday, so I'm kind of cheating. How did we find out, you ask? Three words: Hawk. Sex. Google. Three more words: Staff Writer's computer.
And I think it's much funnier to let our email discussion speak for itself.
______________________________________________________________________________________
From: Melissa
To: Cliffhanger
I wasn't sure whether or not this would be work appropriate...
For those of you not opening the link, it's a picture of two hawks doing it.
______________________________________________________________________________________
From: Cliffhanger
To: Melissa
Muah ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAA. HA.
Ha. HA. Ha.
I mean, I pictured it in my head, but it was awkward (mechanically, of
course). And yes, it is damn awkward. Doesn't look like much fun at all.
______________________________________________________________________________________
Ha. HA. Ha.
I mean, I pictured it in my head, but it was awkward (mechanically, of
course). And yes, it is damn awkward. Doesn't look like much fun at all.
______________________________________________________________________________________
From: Melissa
To: Cliffhanger
Actually, I've tried it, and it's a lot of fun. Somewhat foul, but fun. Ha. Ha. Ha.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Cliffhanger
To: Melissa
It's not hawk porn. THAT's what I'm interested in.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
From: Melissa
To: Cliffhanger
Hawk porn.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
From: Cliffhanger
To: Melissa
Now
I'm obsessed with how un-fun hawk sex really is. I mean, supposedly
they mate for life. If a man jumped on my back as I balanced tenuously
on a rail/wire/branch and did a couple quick jabs with no cuddling, I
don't think I'd defend communal territory. Especially if after
successful copulation I have to pop out multiple eggs. Like birthing a
watermelon, people!
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
And I think that's all there is to say/see about hawk mating. Everyone please thank Cliffhanger for her inquiring dirty mind.
I
promise to answer some more questions tomorrow, but right now, I need a
turkey sandwich and some apple juice. Because I'm five.
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