5-Oct-2006

Sometimes, I get writer's block.  My cure for said writer's block is to chain myself to a chair/couch/bed (seriously, people, get your minds out of the gutter), computer on lap, crank up whatever compilation I've been using to work on a specific piece, and not get up until I've written a certain number of pages.  It doesn't matter if they're good pages, mind you.  Just pages.  Pages and pages of crap.  And I've found that this, in general, works for me.  But I literally woke up this morning with a little performance anxiety.  My xanga stats are through the roof this week, which means more people are reading, which makes me slightly nervous.  What do I have to say that amounts to anything?  The answer:  nothing.  Or, I thought nothing.  Until I called Mom. 

Me:  Hey.  I just called my Super Friendly Insurance Agent, and did you know he used to be a drug addict? (more on that later... or not... but, seriously, such confessions are the reason I can't call him unless I have a good 20 minutes to chat... he's the king of TMI.)

Mom:  (ignoring me) Well, I just got off the phone with someone from Dove.com.

Me:  (not listening yet) Uh-huh.

Mom:  And do you know what that bitch had the nerve to ask me?

Me:  (interest piqued... what on earth could this woman have said to piss my mother off?)  Well, was she a Republican?

Mom:  She wanted to discuss "Hollywood morals."

Me:  You mean Dove like the soap?

Mom:  Yeah.  Apparently, they want to clean up the entertainment industry.

Me:  Fuckers.

Mom:  That's what I said.  And you know what else I told her?

I'm quiet now, because Mom is, how do you say, "worked up."

Mom:  I told her, "My daughter works in Hollywood, and it's not about projecting values, it's about making money.  So until you change the climate of this culture, you can forget change in the industry." 

Me:  Wow. 

Mom:  And then she said, "Don't you think family-oriented television is important?"  Now, Melissa, what does that even mean?  Family oriented?  Most of the stuff that happens in our family wouldn't be allowed on television, and I'll bet that's true for every family across the country.

Me:  (not getting a word in edgewise)...

Mom:  And then I said, "You feel free to attack an industry any time you like, but you start talking about my child, and I'll beat the shit out of you."

Me:  So basically, the Dove woman called me a slut, and you went all redneck on her ass?

Mom:  Yes.