3-Oct-2006

A while back, The Other Me wanted to set me up with this Guy she knows.  I told her no way, then listed the ways in which the opposite sex has repeatedly disappointed me.  Then I thought back on all the good times I've had with The Other Me - Dawson's nights, screenings, premieres, her continuous encouragement regarding my writing/career (she and Ex-Boss both are very good about making sure I'm not resting on my laurels too much), the fact that she brings me cupcakes every time she sees me, and I realized that the girl's got integrity.  She wouldn't set me up with just any hobo pedophile, especially since she knows all about my OCD, hypochondria, and propensity to be a complete and total hermit.  And, since I have recently decided to mingle with all, but only befriend those with integrity, I should probably shut the hell up and listen to her.  So, in the spirit of making everyone hate me, I've come up with a list of things a guy must do to make me happy (aka to deal with my shit):

1.)  No falling in love with my best friend.  Although, that being said, I have several at this time in my life, but you catch my drift.  This happened to me in high school, and it was just about the worst, most Lifetimish thing ever.  Plus, my best friend at the time totally ditched me for said guy.  Lovely girl, that one.  How did I ever stop being friends with her?  And why do I have trust issues?  Somebody fucking ring up Nancy Drew, stat.

2.)  You must be okay with not leaving the house for at least 48 hours.  Especially if there's a Monk marathon on USA.  Or a Final Destination marathon on TNT.  Or a TNT marathon on Showtime.  Or if I just decide to watch Go twenty-four times in a row.

3.)  You also must be okay with my Sarah Polley obsession, and you must pretend that it's healthy.  This goes double for Scott Speedman.  Or any Canadian threesome combo therein.

4.)  Don't say things like:

--I used to/currently deal/use drugs.

--I can't stand to have a woman make more money than me.  Oh, but I'm unemployed (from a guy in my hometown - Fucking.  Classic.).

--Unprotected or bust!  Bust, buddy.  Bust.

5.)  If you say/do something, mean it.  Aka if you, say, have dinner with my parents, then never call me again, you are officially an asshole.  Integrity, folks.  It's not a GRE word. 

Oh, also, on a completely different note, several people have asked me when I'm answering those survey questions.  And the answer is, never, unless you start sending me more.  I think I've only gotten like, five, so until I get at least 10, there'll be nothing from me.  And I'm out...