9-Mar-2007

So many people use their blogs as a forum for bitching.  I have been known to do the occasional rant, albeit passive aggressively, but, today, I'm declaring a No Bitching Zone on this here blog.  It's fun to read about people's everyday trauma.  Other people's.  Not my own.  Whenever I write about my trauma, I end up sounding like a whiny, superficial bitch who's never had anything really bad happen to her.  Oh, wait.... Today, then, I am making a list of my favorite things, in no particular order:

1.)  When the Shopaholic calls me at 5 AM, then leaves the following message (I screen at 5 AM - if someone is dead, I will call back immediately; if someone is not dead, I will call someone in the caller's immediate vicinity and have said caller killed, or at least their stomach punched or hair pulled out by its very roots):  "Hey, it's Shopaholic.  Just calling to see what you're up to (read:  SLEEPING).  I'm driving to work... oh, hey, you know what's funny?  I just realized it's, like, 5 AM where you are!"  Laugh it up whilst you can, my friend.  Whilst you can.  Just for that, I'm having someone burn down all the shopping malls from Ashland to Louisville to Cincinnati and back.  You'll be lucky if you can find an ill-fitting plaid shirt from the sale rack at Abercrombie amidst the embers.

2.)  When someone asks me if I'm free on a particular night, and Cliffhanger, who of course is nearby, because why wouldn't she be, and who of course is getting impatient with my hemming and hawing, responds, "I'll put it in her schedule."  Then she looks me up and down, shakes her head with disdain, and begins to laugh.  My clever response:  "Can it, Troll."  So I am now furiously researching whether or not trolls are allowed to be five foot eight with a keen sense of fashion, or if they're all short, hemming and hawing and bitter little beings with out of control hair who hide under bridges and fling insults then scamper back under their bridges because they don't want to admit they're being passive aggressive.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  But seriously, I do like it when she keeps my schedule.  I'd just like to see a hard copy every now and then.  I mean, is a daily itinerary too much to ask?  It is?  Really? 

3.)  When people IM me AS SOON AS I sign online.  Look, I know I'm popular, I know you desire my company, but don't you know I'm trying to settle in and scouring the office for Saltines because I am starving to death?  If you really loved me, you'd have a pizza delivered instead of your non-nourishing, "Hey, what's up?"

4.)  When I can tell I'm getting sick.  Then I get all grouchy and start taking things out on the people I love, instead of hiding under a bridge or in New Boss's office with Law & Order, soup, and copious amounts of Vitamins A, B, and C, all courtesy of Flintstone's.

Now what have we learned?  That I am a troll.  But a hot, desirable, worthy of daily itineraries troll.  I will now go torment some goats.