Quirky Girls Must Die

There is a trend - well, I'm not sure if it's a trend, per se, but anything that pisses me off I like to consider a trend, because I like to believe it will go away.  I'm still waiting for women to stop falling all over themselves for vile chick flicks like BEACHES and SIXTEEN CANDLES, and to realize that HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU was written by a man with bad bleach streaks and a beer gut.  HE'S not that into me?  Yeah, I'm really okay with that. 

Although not started by the band (and here I use the term loosely) Train, I must still blame them for this trend.  And yes, I know I despise Train.  They rhyme words with themselves - life with life, for example.  Listen, Train, WERE YOU SO HIGH ON DISPLACED LUST DURING THIRD GRADE POETRY CLASS THAT YOU DIDN'T PICK UP THE LESSON THAT THIS IS PURE LAZINESS?  Yes, you can break the "rules" of poetry, but if you break the rules, you must also break ground.  Have you broken ground?  What's that?  No?  You only write music because you think you will get more blow jobs in supermarket parking lots once you snag that has-been dream gig of playing a Von's opening?  Well, that certainly explains a lot. 

It DOES NOT explain why, why you felt the need to encourage the image of the "quirky girl" with your godawful ballad "Meet Virginia."  You know the one - "She doesn't own a dress/her hair is always a mess/if you catch her stealing she won't confess."  Wait, wait... stop right there.  Is Virginia a homeless person?  Cause she sure as fuck sounds like one.  Also, her "daddy wrestles alligators" - further proof of her family's dire financial state -is wrestling alligators even a paying gig?  And let's not forget she "wears high heels when she exercises/ain't that beautiful?"  Um, no.  No it is not.  It's downright stupid, unless dear Virginia is cruisin' for a bruisin' on her non-dress owning ass.  To that end, WHY does she bother with high heels if she doesn't own a dress and her hair is always a mess?  It's like an ugly person wearing makeup and getting a mani/pedi - save your money!  And what kind of exercise is Virginia doing where high heels are even a feasible option?  Is she Sweatin' to the Oldies?  That's the only thing I can think of that might provide the degree of low impact which Virginia and her four inch heels crave.  So what have we learned?  That yes, Virginia is beautiful, if you like the stupid, homeless, Richard-Simmons-worshiping type.

I will give radio stations credit for stopping the torturous overplaying of that song a year and a half after its release.  But now there is a new song, I don't know who sings it, a Train tribute band, perhaps, or another boy wanting to get blown for strumming his strings.  All I know is I nearly vomited on my drive home last night when I heard these lyrics - "She thinks her cowboy hat makes her look fat." 

JESUS CHRIST - not  another one!!!  Not another crazy quirky girl who has CRAZY OPINIONS about everything except anything that matters.  And by the way, there's another word for you if you think a cowboy hat makes you look fat - it's not quirky, it's not cute, it's ANOREXIC.

Now there is one girl I like, one subject of a ballad I admire, and that's Delilah.  Delilah is awesome, because she doesn't have her head stuck up her ass.  She's dumping this dumbass blow-job seeking guitar player because he can't support her, and he's moved thousands of miles away to make it as a musician while she finishes school.  Delilah's basically saying, thanks for your loyalty, douchebag (read in a facetious tone), but it's gonna take more than a simple ballad to win me back.  Actions speak louder than lyrics - if I had my choice, I'd inspire the former.   

Thank you, Delilah.